Rain Man

Crap-sacked turddiddler. Pink-jawed dungflower. Sorry, I had to actually look up an insult generator online to verbalize how much of a complete and utter knob Tom Cruise is in this movie.

Toy Story 3

When everyone first heard that Toy Story 3 was being made, they were not impressed. At what point do we just throw our hands up in the air and accept the fact that the people who make Toy Story will never steer us wrong?

Toy Story 2

Toy Story 2. At this point, you may be asking yourself, "Why do I allow myself to be emotionally manipulated by cartoon toys?" Don't blame yourself. None of us poor bastards stand a chance against Pixar.

Toy Story

The film that made all of us look sideways at our toys and worry about their well being while we weren't there to play with them. Toy neglect is a serious issue.

On the Town

On the Town. All right, I'm excited, I've been in NYC during Fleet Week so I know what kind of debauchery goes on. Do your worst, Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, and Sailor #3.

Heavenly Creatures

Heavenly Creatures is the based-on-a-true-story version of a matricide that took peaceful 1950s New Zealand by storm, and taught us all that the one thing you should be well and truly scared of is the wrath of a pair of misunderstood teenage girls.

King Kong

Here’s what I know about King Kong: giant monkey climbs the Empire State Building, all while reflecting a subconscious fear in 1930s America of black men coming along and stealing white women. Is there anything else I really, truly need to know? Let’s find out. Here’s King Kong.